


April Fools

by iTony



Series: Tony Snark [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awesome Pepper Potts, E-mail, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mild Sexual Content, POV Pepper Potts, POV Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark Friendship, Scientific Method, Snarky Tony, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:19:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6289693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iTony/pseuds/iTony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Tony is in rehab, he decides to conduct some totally legit scientific research and not confront his real issues, which have nothing to do with his father or his childhood, thank you very much.  Meanwhile, the Avengers search for a temporary replacement to be the "funny one."</p>
            </blockquote>





	April Fools

“I can’t believe you’re actually making me go to rehab,” groused Tony, standing in front of the airport.  He had a suitcase in one hand and was looking thoroughly annoyed with the situation.

Pepper patted his shoulder soothingly.  “It’s for your own good, Tony.  Think of it like a vacation.”  She paused.  “But also, please take it seriously.”

Tony heaved a dramatic sigh.  “Yeah, yeah.  A vacation with just me and my demons, battling it out in an epic manner while therapists grill me about my childhood, which was fine, by the way.”

“Of course it was,” said Pepper, distracted as she looked through her purse.  She handed Tony an envelope.  “Here’s your plane ticket.  We’ll see you in twenty-eight days.  E-mail me if you need anything, okay?”

Tony nodded.  “See you on the other side, Pepperidge Farms.”  He reached out to hug her, looked embarrassed, and turned and strode away before she could pull him into her embrace.  She watched him fade into the crowd and prayed this time would be different.

 

* * *

 

9:38 pm March 17th, 2016

From: Tony “the Mechanic” Stark

To: Pepper “Peppercorn” Potts

Subject: Productivity!

 

Hi Pepper!  I just wrapped up day numero uno.  Intake was overall pretty easy.  You know, they say that drugs are never the answer, which made a lot of that questionnaire really hard to fill out.  Anyways, I’m ready to start detoxing and get back to making suits and puns and Steve feel uncomfortable.  You know, rehab’s not so bad.  In fact I feel like I’m going to get a ton of work done here.  This is an opportunity to conduct some experiments!  Everyone keeps telling me to take rehab seriously, and what’s more serious than science, after all?  For example,

Experiment #1: Let's Talk about Sex, Baby!

Observation: My shrink, Meredith, appears to want to talk about my dad a lot.  Someone’s been reading Freud.  I don’t especially want to talk about my dad, but it’s my understanding that Freudian stuff is really sexual, which sounds like fun.

Hypothesis: I can redirect her attention from my childhood to my sexuality by saying “no homo” a lot.

Methods: I decided to pick one person to talk about and say “no homo” after every mention of that person.  For my subject, I picked Thor’s brother.  My reasoning is that Loki is far enough removed from me to be of any real personal interest, but that since he tried to kill me, I have a good reason to talk about him a lot to Meredith.  Also he’s distinctively less masculine than me, so my “no homo” reference can’t be confused for a dick-measuring contest.

Results: Mixed.  After several “no homos,” Meredith asked me why I felt the need to protect my masculinity.  However, she also pointed out that I’m sexually promiscuous.  I said no I wasn’t,  and it turned into a pretty intense discussion about my sex life and my need to feel validated.

Discussion: Damn, Meredith is _good._  Clearly this isn’t her first rodeo.  I think the problem is that I confounded the results because I knew I was only joking with the “no homo” thing.  A real study would be double-blinded, with neither party knowing whether or not the subject is, in fact, “yes homo.”

Further Research: I’m going to see if I can use my masculine charm to confuse one of the guys here and then get him to “no homo” at Meredith for true double-blinded results.

 

Proud of me?

 

Loves and kisses,

Tony

 

* * *

 

7:45 am March 18th, 2016

From: Pepper Potts, Stark Industries

To: Anthony Stark, C.E.O.

Subject: re: Productivity!

 

Tony.  Do not mess with any of those poor men.  Please take this seriously!  You’re there to heal and get sober and go back to being the funniest Avenger, not to try to drive your therapist crazy.  We all miss you and we miss your antics.  

 

Best wishes,

Pepper

 

P.S.: We have designated Natasha as the funny one for now.  (“How do assassins do it?  ...under covers!”)

 

* * *

 

6:56 pm March 20th, 2016

From: Tony “Conquistador” Stark

To: Pepper “Pep-Up” Potts

Subject: Small favor?

 

Stop being such a wet blanket.  Things are going great here.  Natasha sounds like she’s doing okay.  Good for her, I guess.  Well, as for me, I’m doing better than okay.  My research continues.

Experiment #2: Double-Blinding Howie

Observation: Howie, in my AA group, seems like a pretty suggestible guy.

Hypothesis: I can rope Howie into being a subject for my follow-up to Experiment #1, which I am calling Get Meredith to Talk About Everyone’s Sexuality Because It’s Better than Talking about our Childhoods (which were fine).

Methods: I shared a smoke with Howie and made several suggestive remarks.

Results: Partial success.  Howie seemed receptive to my advances but maybe he’s just a really open-minded guy.  

Discussion: Actually Howie’s a pretty cool guy.  I think we’re friends now.  I wonder if he can sneak in some contraband.  

Further Research: I am going to try to get Howie to be my friend/mule.

 

Incidentally can you send a package to a guy named Howie that’s here?  I don’t want to get in trouble if they search mail.  Just go through my sock drawer and pull out the cigar box in there and ship it to us.  Don’t look inside, though.

 

XOXOXOXO,

Tony

 

* * *

 

8:02 am March 21st, 2016

From: Pepper Potts, Stark Industries

To: Anthony Stark, C.E.O.

Subject: re: Small favor?

 

Tony!  You leave him alone!  I looked inside your cigar box.  Oh my God, what is this stuff?  I’m tossing it out.  Is this Halloween candy from last year?  I cannot believe your nerve.  You’d better be joking.

 

Best wishes,

Pepper

 

P.S.: Speaking of nerves, Natasha gave up being the funny one and passed the torch to Clint.  He says he likes his coffee like he likes his women… “hot and and in an extra large cup size.”

 

P.P.S. Wait, your new friend’s name is Howie?  Wasn’t your dad named Howard?

 

* * *

 

11:23 pm March 23rd, 2016

From: Tony “no relation to Danza” Stark

To: Pepper “Longstocking” Potts

Subject: Bad day :(

 

Hey Peepers.  Things here aren’t going great.  I think I’m going through actual withdrawal.

For the record, “Howard” is a very common name and so what if that was my dad’s name.  I had a great childhood with lots of happy memories that I don't want to talk about.  Here’s more of my research.  

Experiment # 3: Affects of Vomiting on Tony's Wednesday: A Case Study

Observation: After a busy morning, I am starting to feel really goddamn sick.  Withdrawal is not fun.  I am sweating out every horrible mistake I’ve ever made.

Hypothesis: I will feel better if I just vomit and get it over with.

Methods: I hovered around the bathroom making retching “yeck!” noises for a few minutes before taking the high road and sticking my fingers down my throat.  This failed to produce any result, so I tried the end of a toothbrush, which supposedly works, but it didn’t.

Results: Utter failure.  I ended up lying down on the floor with my face on the tiles.  So cold.  So good.  But still so queasy.

Discussion: Wait a fucking second.  I spent the morning hitting on Howie and now I apparently lack a gag reflex.  What if all that Freudian stuff is real and I’m not the epitome of raw straight manly power I always assumed myself to be?  

Further Research: I need to go hit on my smoking hot yoga instructor.

 

Huggy hug hugs,

Tony

 

* * *

 

7:32 am March 24th, 2016

From: Pepper Potts, Stark Industries

To: Anthony Stark, C.E.O.

Subject: re: Bad day :(

 

Oh my gosh, Tony!  I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling sick.  Just remember, this is part of the process and you will be so much stronger when you see it through.  We’re all very proud of you.  Stick with it!  I know you can do it!

 

Best wishes,

Pepper

 

P.S.: Speaking of withdrawal, Clint’s cutting back on the coffee and also got cuffed by Natasha for too many comparisons of women and coffee. He asked Thor to be the funny one.  So far every reference he’s made has been Norse so we’re probably going to have to give the post to someone else.

 

* * *

 

9:33 pm March 24th, 2016

From: Tony “the Stark with the Arc” Stark

To: Pepper “Picked a Peck of Pickles” Potts

Subject: yoga pants :)

 

I’m feeling better now, no thanks to you or Meredith.  In fact I feel so good that I think I’m ready for...

Experiment #4: Getting Into Some Yoga Pants

Observation: My yoga instructor is smoking hot.

Hypothesis: I will enjoy the physical intimacy of my smoking hot yoga instructor.

Methods: Turned on the ol’ Stark charm.

Results: Inconclusive.  Yoga instructor did not respond.

Discussion: Hmm.  That’s weird.  Either my yoga instructor is a stone-cold professional like you, which kind of only makes me want her more, or she’s gay, which also only kind of makes me want her more.

Further Research: Find out if smoking hot yoga instructor is gay and has a smoking hot pilates instructor girlfriend, and then find out whether the two of them are down for a threeway.

 

The best Avenger,

Tony

 

* * *

 

8:01 am March 25th, 2016

From: Pepper Potts, Stark Industries

To: Anthony Stark, C.E.O.

Subject: re: yoga pants :)

 

 _Tony,_ you’re going to get into another lawsuit!  I swear, if you put one toe out of line, you are in for a world of trouble!  You don’t need to constantly prove how virile you are, honestly.  Just focus on getting better!

 

Best wishes,

Pepper

 

P.S.: Thor and Steve swapped team leader and funny guy.  Thor is an okay team leader but Steve’s not very funny.  “What do you call a sandwich topping from Hawaii?  A trop-pickle.”

 

* * *

 

4:11 am March 30th, 2016

From: Tony “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” Stark

To: Pepper “Bo Bepper” Potts

Subject: stupid Meredith

 

Ew, Thor’s team leader now?  I give him one week before he goes mad with power.  Also, that joke literally made me ill.  Please slap Steve for me.  Hard.

Anyways as usual you’re probably right about how I’m always overdoing the sex god thing.  I do seem to get around, don’t I?  This sounds like it calls for…

Experiment #5: Shutting Up Meredith

Observation: My shrink, Meredith, might actually be right about my sexual promiscuity.

Hypothesis: Shut up Meredith.

Methods: I decided to refocus my attention on something other than sex, to wit, taking apart my watch and following up with Howie about getting in some contraband.  He came over around 2 am.

Results: Success! My watch is now disassembled and Howie was able to obtain some weed.  Good man, Howie.  Sorry for making you a guinea pig earlier.  You’re a good guy, like my dad, who I had a great relationship with.

Discussion: I think I lost a screw somewhere in the room.  

Further Research: I need to find that screw.  Can you help me with a little screw, Pepper?  Wink.

 

Lurve,

Tony

 

* * *

 

6:43 am March 30th, 2016

From: Pepper Potts, Stark Industries

To: Anthony Stark, C.E.O.

Subject: re: stupid Meredith

 

Tony! You shouldn’t be getting high in rehab OR bringing poor Howie down with you!  Check under the bed for your watch screw and TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

 

Best wishes,

Pepper

 

P.S.: Thor got pretty tyrannical.  Steve’s back to team leader and now Bruce is the funny one.  Here’s his latest joke: “What’s big and green and ashamed all over and smashed up Manhattan oh God I can’t believe I killed all those people I’m a monster Jesus Christ what is wrong with me.”  I didn’t really get it.

 

* * *

 

8:24 pm March 30th, 2016

From: Tony “Baloney” Stark

To: Pepper “Calls the Shots” Potts

Subject: re: re: stupid Meredith

 

Gonna take your suggestion and use it for

Experiment #6: Shirtless Floor Wanderings

Observation: My watch is missing a screw but, since I only just took it apart, it has to be here _somewhere_.

Hypothesis: It probably rolled under the dresser or something.

Methods: I laid down on the floor and crawled under the dresser to check for that screw, immediately ruining my shirt and determining that the area under the dresser is too dark and dusty to see anything.  I re-adjusted my method to shirtless and had Howie get under here too with a flashlight.

Results: Success!  We found the screw.

Discussion: We were both really high and tired and fell asleep.

Further Research: Meredith wants to know why Howie and I fell asleep on the floor of my room shirtless with our heads under my dresser.  We are now talking about my sexuality a lot.  

Update to Experiment #1 Results: Success.

 

Your most favoritest boss,

Tony

 

P.S.: Tell everyone to stop trying to be funny until I get back.  You’re going to end up hurting yourselves.  Seriously.

 

* * *

 

7:03 am April 1st, 2016

From: Pepper “Ray of Punshine” Potts

To: Tony “Daddy Issues” Stark

Subject: Replacement!

 

Hi Tony!  Great news!  I just realized that since I tend to pick up the slack for you and do your job for your anyway, I should just take it upon myself to be the new funny one.  Things are going really well!  I’m using your same formula: 45% insults and pop culture references, 30% sarcastic, arrogant, and inappropriate dismissals of others, 20% distracted observations, and 5% terrible puns.  Yesterday was AMAZING!  We’re all super happy.  Now you can stay in rehab as long as you like, which should give you some extra time, since Meredith says you’ve had a breakthrough.  Sounds like everything is working out perfectly!

 

Wubbly smoochie kisses,

Pepper “The Funny One” Potts

 

* * *

 

10:17 pm April 1st, 2016

From: Tony “Perfectly Fine Childhood Actually” Stark

To: Pepper “Et Tu, Brutus” Potts

Subject: re: Replacement!

 

This had better be an April Fool’s joke, Pepper.  I mean it.  I’m serious.

 

* * *

 

11:40 pm April 1st, 2016

From: Pepper “Take my Boss… Please!” Potts

To: Tony “Denial” Stark

Subject: re: re: Replacement!

 

Oh, so _now_ you’re finally serious?

 

Secretary of the year,

Pepper “The Funny One” Potts

 

* * *

 

12:01 am April 2nd, 2016

From: Tony “No Seriously No Issues With My Dad” Stark

To: Pepper “Judas” Potts

Subject: re: re: re: Replacement!

 

Okay.  It’s not April Fool’s anymore.  Joke’s over, right, Pepper?

 

* * *

 

12:32 am April 2nd, 2016

From: Pepper “Punchline” Potts

To: Tony “Pants on Fire” Stark

Subject: re: re: re: re: Replacement!

 

;-)  

 

See you soon, Mr. Stark.

 

Love,

Pepper “The Funny One” Potts

 

* * *

 

\- End -


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